Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Is This How You Spell Wiener?

Needless to say, I didn't write this, but thought it might make you laugh a bit.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly figure in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc., and stop eating chocolate.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean, but this time use shampoo with only 37 vitamins to avoid overload.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Cleanse your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs, trim bikini line.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Dry body with towel the size of a small country, carefully put wet towel in bathroom linen basket or hang over towel rail to dry.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off by violently rubbing body with towel in order to scatter short and curly hairs over the widest possible area.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on, window shut.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Please don't take offence at this wild generalisation, folks, it's just an email which is doing the rounds at the office and helped brighten up an otherwise dark and gloomy but incredibly busy week.


Tina said...

Dear god, it's so true, it's frightening. Apart from my conditioner has yoghurt and red berries in it.

And I wouldn't know about men in the shower... Well, maybe a bit.

Sorry I haven't been around much, am back now & then on flying visits.

knifepainter said...

Very funny and very true !

(Although I prefer "Oi Oi" to "Woo Wo")

knifepainter said...

......or even "Woo Woo".

merry weather said...

That did me make me laugh - so true! And very reassuring somehow. Occasionally I think I'm weird for cleaning the shower straight away, get a life I think, ah, not alone :)

Norman said...

I don't know about the women applying the contents of a foodstore to their skins in the form of shampoos etc. But as for the men....
Well, SM, I suspect you are a nurse too and we've both been there and seen it all!
Come this March I'll have been retired from nursing three whole years, - am I missing it?
Thought not.

Kaycie said...

Very funny.

Miriam said...

Good to see you back, SM> Didn't mean to hassle you,just missed you. Had good laugh at this, did you get email doing the rounds about USA courtrooms,eg "Was Mr XX dead when you performed the autopsy on his body?" "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autoposy on him" loads more but don't want to clog your comments box, mimi

Swearing Mother said...

Hee-hee Tina, was so worried about this post in case it caused offence but it was just a quickie (pardon the expression)hoping to raise a laugh. Will be over to see what you've been up to.

KP: Oi-oi indeed! IALLMAO.

Hello Merry, glad to hear that you also clean the shower whilst standing in it. Trouble is, that Bathpower stuff really dries my skin out.

Hiya Norman, not surprised you don't miss nursing, it's not what it used to be. Some bits are still the same though :0)

Hi Kaycie, anything for a laugh!

Hi Mimi, was nice to see I'd been missed, no probs. Thanks for that.

Cath said...

ROTFLMAO!!! :-))

So good, so true. Glad I'm not the only one who deals with the mould spots after a shower....

Keep blogging. I keep reading...

Swearing Mother said...

Oi-Oi Cath!


Brilliant - you most certainly brightened up my day. Am now going to copy and paste to all girlfriends. :0)

belle said...

Excellent! Just splurted my coffee all over the keyboard :o)

Manic Mother Of Five said...

Someone's been peeking in my house!! Well apart from the cleaning bit after my shower. That said, sons are being trained and are gradually learning that wet towels don't miraculously disappear - mum has been intervening all these years. Love it!

advocate said...

Oh my God, you know my husband! Just one detail missing, after showering he wears the same boxer shorts he's been wearing all week!!

She's like the wind said...

OMG I've laughed so much I have tears in my eyes, that is the truest, funniest thing I have read in ages. You don't mind if I pass it on to a few friends via email? -I'm still laughing out loud!!

Expatmum said...

What a coicidence, we're both talking about showers. If you read my blog, I don't have time to shower much never mind all the lovely smelly soaps and shampoos. And now, I will be taking shower gel in with me whenever I do shower as I will throw up if I find ANYTHING stuck to the soap. Ugh!
And the long version is Oscar Mayer Wiener, aka a hot dog. (God I've been here too long!)

Swearing Mother said...

Mzungu Chick, have just laughed out loud at your post re the dangers of crack. Great photo!

Woo-hoo Belle, glad to have raised a laugh matey. Can't think of anything of my own to write at the moment so borrowed this instead!

MMOF: Glad to hear you're getting the lads trained, I bet everyone in your house puts the seat down, or else!

Advocate, that is vile. Does he turn them inside out and back to front as well?

Hi SLTW, please do circulate, it's an email doing the rounds in various forms at the moment anyway. I actually cleaned it up slightly, wish I hadn't now!

Expatmum, Hi. Thanks for the info re Wieners. It is indeed gross to find things stuck to the soap, or even to think about how they got there. Shower gel is definitely the answer.

grit said...

the list leaves out one important point, and that is *hide* the bath towel reserved for ladies only on a special radiator somewhere far away from the bathroom to avoid the disappointment of returning to the bathroom some hours later and finding it covered in green paint because dd2 has been making a scale model of a T.Rex and needed a mop up.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Grit. Paint? Now that is really is annoying.

Maggie May said...

If only my husband was as well trained as yours! He leaves a trail of clothes from bedroom to bathroom & if I didn't chase him with a clean pair of underpants, I am sure they wouldn't get changed at all!

Swearing Mother said...

Maggie May, what is it with some men and their gross grundies? Maybe once they've bonded (in many senses of the word) they just can't be parted. It's definitely a man thing, most women I know get through hundreds of pair of niks per week, taking at least twenty pairs away for a long weekend. And I'm not referring to the Tena-Lady age group either.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

Laughing out loud here. That is absolutely hilarious!

aminah said...

"Jaffa cake body wash" is that edible???? and are they selling iy at boots? and who is this planet of the apes man???

made me laugh though!!

Swearing Mother said...

But so true, RC! Ha!

Hiya Aminah: I hate all those food-smelling unguents, they just make me hungry.

Iota said...

If you search Youtube using the words man woman and shower, you'll find a good video enactment of this.

Swearing Mother said...

That's brilliant Iota, I feel totally vindicated!