Sunday, 2 September 2007

Too many miles on the clock?

Went to look at the bright red sports car yesterday. It was lovely, but I am having doubts about the appropriateness of the whole idea. Not chickening out completely you understand, just having second thoughts.

I was fine with all aspects until I actually went to the showroom to test drive it and noticed a few things going on with other potential buyers which I'm not sure I can live with, even to be the driver of this particular type of car.

For example:

1. My jeans do not reveal my bum crack. Or a thong. Or a tattoo of my boyfriend's name.

2. I don't have long blonde hair to riffle my hands through at traffic lights when I've got the roof down. Or a pierced navel.

3. White high heels would kill my feet.

4. I am at least twenty five years too damn old.

5. I look absolutely shit in a baseball cap.

That said, husband was still determined to get me to have a go in it.

Now, years ago I used to drive an Austin Healey Sprite, a sweet little sporty number, low on the ground, you had to lie down to drive it, so I know how to get in and out of a car like that with some level of decency. But back in those days, mini-skirted and in white PVC boots, I wasn't self conscious about giving any bystander a flash of leg. But now? Well, let's say I'd want to be a lot more careful and can I really be bothered? Am I now built only for comfort? Maybe.

I needed the advice of a man I can trust.

"Give me your absolutely honest advice. I promise I won't go into a sulk" says I to husband, who is really keen for me to buy a sports car again so he can drive it.

"Did I look stupid in it?" I ask.

"No" he replies, as usual a man of many words.

"You know, like those sad old bags who think they're still twenty-five or something?" I persist.

"No, you bloody-well didn't. You looked good. I think it suited you." Ahh, you can see why I love him can't you?

"But what about when I'm getting in and out, wearing a skirt? Would I flash too much flesh? And what about my varicose vein? Hardly goes with the bright red sports car image, does it?" Lots of negatives are popping into my mind now, I am depressing myself and need a bit of reassurance so I'm asking him every spurious question that comes into my head. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Doubts are definitely setting in.

"Only you would even think about that" he looks at me, totally mystified. He doesn't want to give up on the car, he can just see himself bladdering round the countryside with the roof down, listening to his Top Gear driving music CD, Ray-Bans on. So he persists and asks "and does it really matter, anyway?" Fair point I suppose. But I am increasingly talking myself out of it.

"Well I don't want to be silly about it but it's hardly an image I want to portray - y'know, bright red sports car, silly old woman driving it sort of thing?" The truth of the situation is beginning to dawn on me. Too damn old. And silly. And veiny. Bugger, bugger, bugger. My bottom lip is now so far out, you could rest a tray of drinks on it.

He has another go at reassuring me, bless him, but he's getting a bit fed up with it now. Understandably.

"Only you would come to test drive a sports car and then end up worrying about your sodding varicous vein." He thinks that this is reassuring, but to me it isn't. He himself has actually said the V. V. words and now we are DOOMED. Oh dear, this is all going to hell in a handcart, let alone a sexy little two seater convertible.

He gives it one last try, desperately trying to find his way out of the hormonal minefield he is inadvertently walking through. Carefully does it, one step at a time, mind where you put your foot......

"And anyway, who cares if you've got a varicose vein. I love your legs. And blue goes with everything, after all."

CABOOM!

Will let you know what's happening re the car when the smoke clears.

28 comments:

Amy said...

Remember how much fun you had at the rock concert?

Show all those pierced and tattooed neophytes that fun and sporty isn't only for the young. Show them that when they are more mature, they can still be cool. Know that when you drive that car around town, you have got so much on those uber-hipsters. They don't know anything about life. They're faking it! Think, for example, of how much more sex you've had than they have. You have earned your wrinkles and varicose veins--they have to give their skin color and character with ink and needles. They've got no substance.

You deserve that car.

laurie said...

seems to me that if you like the car you should get it. and if you don't like the car you shouldn't get it.

that should be your only consideration. you will look absolutely right in whatever car you drive.

Swearing Mother said...

Amy, you are the same star-sign as me so I respect your opinion greatly! Have been for another look at a similar but even nicer metallic graphite grey one today. It's really nice, and a bit more my style, though more money too. Have come home to do the math! And you are quite right about the sex (typical Taurean!!).

Laurie, you are so right as usual. I worry about things too much, always have. I so value your opinion. Will be in touch!

Thanks both! :)

Mopsa said...

Who cares what anyone you dont know thinks? The question is how does it make you feel? Sexy? tick. Fast? tick. Carefree? tick.....

Swearing Mother said...

Mopsa, you will get me into all sorts of trouble, one way or another! Luckily.

Thanks for visiting.

:)

merry weather said...

I'd be bitterly disappointed if you did look good in a baseball cap! You've far too much class of your own...

This is great stuff for all women past a certain age to relate to. "Built for comfort" - what a lovely phrase :)

I can just imagine you both in the showroom discussing this. OK so go a few sizes bigger. Why not? I reckon your husband is truly on your side here :)

Norman said...

Hey! Enjoy the sports car while you can. Sod the varicose veins. Once you're into bus pass territory the options get even narrower. I like some of the newer sports cars around just now but if I tried to get into one with my back I would probably need to be stretchered out. My better half and I now run about in a Toyota Yaris with bolt upright seats. We NEED 'em!

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Merry and Norman,

Thank you both for your words of encouragement - I feel so much better now! It is so great to able to mull things over with like-minded people.

Best wishes, thanks for calling!

Rainbow said...

I used to drive a bright yellow Austin Healey Sprite, and it was my favouritist car in the whole world. Mind you, I didn't have any kids then. But last year we leased a Megane Cabriolet and that was a great laugh - miss it now it's gone back. Buy whatever you want, sod what everyone else thinks!

Self employed mum said...

You go for it, why not? You are only as young as you feel. Last few post had me in stitches.

Sir James Robison said...

First you tell me you're not PC and then you say:

I used to drive an Austin Healey Sprite ...

That would have to make you close to the most wonderful woman in the world.

Swearing Mother said...

Sir James, you old smoothie!

How lovely of you to visit.

Thanks.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Self Employed Mum, just read your latest post - you ARE busy!

Thanks for finding the time to visit.

Best wishes.

Manic Mother Of Five said...

Hey there S/M. Like the sound of the more discreet but more expensive alternative....... You can't beat understated. Hope you have a ball trying all these vehicles out.

Incidently, am in the process of getting a tattoo removed from my younger days. Not an ex's name but just as mindless. It costs a fortune and hurts like hell.... God I hate being older and wiser sometimes.

Keep rocking. XX

Swearing Mother said...

Hi MMOF: Ouch, that sounds painful! I bet you can remember everyone telling you that you'd regret having a tattoo one day, but did you believe them - did you hell!

Ah well,as you say, older and wiser is a pain sometimes.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

No, he didn't. Did he? Did he really insert his foot that far in his...mouth?

Can't wait to hear the outcome of this.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi RC: He did! But the sad thing is he thought that would make it better. Bless.

It's all still rumbling on...... and on......

All Shook Up said...

Well!? Got it yet? And the white PVC boots to go with it?

knifepainter said...

Get the car, get the tattoo, pierce the navel, flash your thong, behave outrageously.

Fuck em !

Swearing Mother said...

Hi All Shook Up and Knifepainter!

You boys are going to get me in trouble one of these days! I am still dithering and driving myself and everyone else round the bend, but I am taking a test drive in another sporty little number on Friday. This one's a tiny bit more restrained, in that it's grey. But still foxy, obviously. The red one is still not ruled out though.

Oh yes, decisive me.

Norman said...

Why do I get this strange feeling that after looking at all the flash stuff you'll end up driving something so-called "sensible" like a box on four wheels or - heaven forbid, - a Smart car?
Whatever you do don't get one of those. They are the Lancastrian estate agents car of choice and believe me, the motorbikes round here are bigger.
Yeah, go for it and get a bright red Ferrari!! Varrooooom!!!!
Seriously though I'd be interested in what you do get.

Julie said...

Hi, Swearingmother - I arrived here via James' blog and have greatly enjoyed your test drive. :-) Black or grey might clinch it being for the more sophisticated and mature driver...More though, who cares what anyone else thinks? One thing people will be quite likely to be thinking is 'I wish that was my car'...

dgibbs said...

I finally got a little red car...unfortunately it is of the station wagon variety.

I loved this post it cracked me up. Hope you weren't too hard on the hubby, I don't think they can help what comes out of their mouths sometimes.

Swearing Mother said...

Norman, you may well be right, but I'm still going to have a whizz round in the little charcoal grey car tomorrow. It's not a mega-posh type of car, just a MG TF and the other red one's a Mazda MX5 (hairdresser's cars everyone tells me) but one can still dream about a Ferrari and pretend! If I end up with an estate agent's car Smart Car I am NOT telling you!

I am such a fool.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Julie and Dgibbs, thanks so much for visiting! As you can see, this car buying lark is big stuff for me, so it's taking for ever to make my mind up. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure....... etc.

Lovely to read you.

Norman said...

OK S/M. If you do get a Smartie your secret's safe with me.
Mind there's nowt wrong wi' an MG regardless of colour.

knifepainter said...

SO?
Red or Grey ?
...............?

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Knifepainter, it would probably have been the grey one if only I had been more patient. Worried now that someone else will buy it whilst we are playing hard to get.

Ah well, if it's meant to be, etc., etc......

Going to have another go tomorrow, only this time I am staying out of the negotiations!