Good Housekeeping (Yeah Right)

Rather hilariously, considering my previous form, Winchester Whisperer has tagged me for a Meme about household management. Or mis-management in my case. I feel somewhat embarrassed to give anyone any tips at all because I am getting to be so useless at the whole thing, but as always, I'll have a go:

First of all, don't clean anything, just tidy. Unless you've got some particularly sad friends who run their fingers along your skirting boards checking for dust, or your mother-in-law is a hag-from-hell who looks behind cushions for old apple cores, no one will notice anyway.

Always cook twice as much of everything than you really need, and divide it into two BEFORE you serve or you'll end up eating the whole lot or have a leftover portion too small to freeze for next time. Believe me, when you come home after a hellish day at work it feels like the beef casserole fairies have blessed you with a ready meal from heaven, and you will feel SO smug. Just bung the casserole in to defrost, throw some baking potatoes in the oven, make yourself a cup of tea and go blog for an hour (or so).

Don't iron anything that can go in the tumble drier and then be hung up to let the creases drop out. It's heavy on electricity but light on effort, so to hell with global warming, at least we don't have a patio heater so I am in credit on the old carbon foot-print malarky. If you are mad enough to iron pants or socks, please don't tell me or I'll have to send someone round with a tranquiliser dart and straight-jacket to take you away.

Forbid anyone to leave pots and pans "in soak". This is totally unnecessary now that Fairy has invented their Power Spray, which lifts fired on food (my particular speciality) in a couple of minutes. "In soak" is another term for "can't be arsed with this, I'll leave it till later when you go into the kitchen and do it for me". No dice mate. Get sprayin'.

If you go into the bathroom and someone (ladies, you know who I mean) has left just one or two sheets of loo paper on an otherwise empty roll, don't replace it. Just find another toilet roll in the cupboard and use some of that and take the rest out with you, or hide it, just to make the point. That'll learn 'em. Unless of course the same empty loo-roll is still there some days later, in which case you know you're being played.

And finally, even though you don't have one, tell everybody you have a cleaner but she is useless, and bemoan the state of your house at every opportunity. Say you really ought to sack her, but can't find a way to do it nicely without hurting her feelings. Everyone will feel sorry for you, and meanwhile you can spend what money you would have paid a cleaner, if you had one, on gin.

Works for me.