Monday, 5 November 2007

All Right Now

OK you lot, I'm back. And what's more, I'm back with a f*cking vengeance. Forget chocolate, wine or (in my case) gin, forget staring into the middle distance obsessing over the past and worrying about the future. This is it. I am over it and I am going for it, whatever "it" may turn out to be. I am sick of being a bit miserable, I've decided that from now on I am going to be either, a) happy and content, or b) an absolute hag-bitch from hell, depending on the prevailing events at the time. But sod miserable, I've done it and it was boring.

So, you may ask, how is this change of attitude going to affect my everyday behaviour? What difference will it make? Well, I'll give you an example.

Yesterday, for instance, we took my young nephew and niece out for lunch to an American-style chain restaurant, (maybe I'd better not say which one to avoid giving unnecessary offence or risk getting sued, so it shall remain nameless) some miles from here in between their home and ours. I was a little disappointed to find that it wasn't anywhere near as good as our local TGI's (oops) which is, of course, incredibly posh and trendy. It goes without saying that I am also incredibly posh and trendy and live in an incredibly posh and trendy neighbourhood. Obviously. So the Hyacinth Bucket in me was a bit shocked to encounter sticky tables, manky floors, wild-eyed people in low cut sequinned tops and knicker-skimming mini-skirts (and that was just the men) inhaling food at breakneck speed as if in some sort of suicidal pie-eating contest, and a general air of hungry desperation pervading the atmosphere. Service was, to say the least, a little slow. Cheerful, but slow. But bloody hell, the food was dire. It's the only place I've ever been where you could take a person's eye out with a fossilised chip (sorry, that would be "fries") so overcooked and brittle they would shatter if dropped, showering potato-based shrapnel over the entire area. And I've never before seen a pot of baked beans covered in such a thick skin that you could turn them upside down and they still wouldn't spill. Like they were hiding under a heavy blanket in an effort to keep warm. Unsuccessfully, as it turned out.

But did I say anything? No I didn't. Did I complain or cause a fuss? No, not me. And why was this? Because I was relaxed, happy and tolerant. And no, it didn't have anything to do with mind-altering drugs or artificial stimulants of any kind, not even a recreational Yorkie.

So what achieved this Zen-like state of total wellbeing for me? Well, several things actually. I could lead you to believe that it might have been the aforementioned chocolate, wine or gin. Or that I may have indulged in a bit of girlie pampering, a little retail therapy or even had a bloody good seeing to (I sincerely hope my kids never get to read this, they still think we only ever did that for procreational purposes, and then only twice). But the truth is, apart from any or all of the above, counting my blessings and a generally lovely weekend, I can hazard a guess at what really dragged me out of the slough of despond.

As Crocodile Dundee once said when his girlfriend told him about someone she knew who was seeing a therapist, "Therapy? Why would she need a therapist? Hasn't she got any mates to talk to?"

Well, I've got mates. Lots of them, and I thank you all very much indeed for listening to me.

29 comments:

Kaycie said...

Such a nice post. It's good you're feeling relaxed and tolerant. I think that is a damn good place to be.

Debra in France said...

Hi SM. Good on you for being so calm. I think we have all been to that restaurant at some time or other. We've moaned through the entire meal, moaned when we've got the meal - how could they have the nerve to charge for such rubbish! and then wished we had stayed at home in the first place. If we had stayed calm we could have had a good laugh. Your description of the restaurant was spot on, I loved reading it :-)

travelling, but not in love said...

Like the attitude.

Wish I could stay so calm.

I'd like to think that I wouldn't grab the waiter by his badge-encrusted braces and tell him to come back with a cloth and give the table a good wipe.....but you never can be sure, can you?

belle said...

Yay! You're back! Glad to hear you're extremely posh, I may let you into my neighbourhood now ;o)

laurie said...

although a little chocolate and wine isn't a BAD thing, in addition to the mates....

glad you're feeling calmer.

a half-day at the spa, getting highlights and a pedicure is nice, too.

Mean Mom said...

Hi swearing mother. I'm glad that you are feeling happier, now. I've been to a few restaurants, like that one. If you do complain, it doesn't often get you anywhere, these days. The days of the customer always being right seem to have disappeared, unfortunately.

I found a 'photo of me, yesterday, which may cheer you up even more. I wish I could get it into my profile, but I can't for some reason, so it's at my place, if you have a minute to spare. Tra, bab.

advocate said...

Glad you are back on form SM. I did however have every sympathy with your previous post. I have been there too, uncannily, also in the last couple of weeks, but it's ok now. Like you, I have some wonderful friends who have the knack of dragging me out of my despondency and have me guffawing away at their antics within no time. We will always wish for the things we can't have, but we must remember to treasure the things we can have.

All Shook Up said...

Well done again, SM. Glad to see you back with all cylinders firing.

Tina said...

You have no idea how glad I am to see you back on form. F*cking way to go, SM.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Kaycie, thanks for that. Calm is good.....

Debra! Hi! How can two supposedly identical restaurants be so different?

Travelling: I nearly lost it when the waiter said to me "and what can I do for you, young lady?" Nearly took his spleen out for that patronising bit of banter.

Hello Belle, I may be posh, but not quite THAT posh. Ha!

Laurie, I'm taking your advice and booking in for a facial. Just had the pedicure and manicure. By the end of the week I should be totally rebuilt!

Orroight Mean Mom: I've been over to your blog and think your husband must have mis-heard when you said about getting a photo of your good side (not your backside!) Very, very funny.

Advocate, you are so right. Where would we be without our mates?

ASU: Ta for visiting. Am really enjoying your blog, BTW.

Hi Tina, will be over to check up on you shortly!

wife in the north said...

good for you, you must tell me if it works

Mike said...

Yippie! You're back! You've got friends and fans too, who missed you lots while you were gone. I think AA Gill's job is under threat, really enjoyed reading your latest adventure, tho I have to say that I would have complained- i think we get bad service because we're so loath to complain.
I booked another massage for today, and remembered this one!!So I'm feeling good too. Have to go now and get some text invites out or I'll have no mates at this [arty of mine! Cheerio, and looking forward to your next post, mimi not mike

Mike said...

sorry, party not [arty!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Good, you've bucked up! Atta girl!

Self employed mum said...

Sometimes we just need a bit of time and then we come back to 'normal' if you can call it that and wonder what the hell the problem was, it happens to me all the time. Glad you're back. x

Jeff said...

Sounds like you're over your case of the mubblefubbles. More info on this dread disease here at http://mubblefubbles.com/

Swearing Mother said...

So far so good WITN, although the pessimist in me is still looking over my shoulder to see if that darned black cloud is still following me!

Mimi not Mike: So glad you managed to remember to go and have your bits pummelled, what a treat! Next try a manicure and/or pedicure, although it seems a bit of a waste of money now we're all going to be covering up our extremities, you could cut the ends off your socks and gloves to show off your nail polish. Enjoy your party!!

Hiya MOB: Yes for the time being am firing on all four cylinders. Am now starting to really annoy people. But what the heck.

SEM: You are quite right. It's when that blue period lasts too long that I worry. But then, I do worry about absolutely everything, so what's new?

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Jeff, that mystery affliction sounds quite interesting, promise I won't catch anything if I take a look?

Thanks for visiting.

Stay at home dad said...

Way to go, as they say, swearing mother...although swearing would have been good too...

Manic Mother Of Five said...

I LOVE your writing and am so glad you have shaken yourself out of your recent malaise. Welcome back lovely lady xxxx

Swearing Mother said...

Hello SAHD!! How lovely to read you. You are quite right, sometimes only swearing will do.....!

MMOF: Hello gorgeous woman. How did the presentation ball go? And don't say "bouncy" or you're in big trouble.

debio said...

Love your description of the fast-food 'outlet'. You were so right not to let it wind you up, and actually complain.

What you experienced is the experience....what baffles me is why so many people seek such an experience out!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Pass some of that on to me. I hate poor food and service. TGI's back when I was 17 was such a great place and it has deteriorated so much.

belle said...

Just to let you know, you've been given an award for all round hilarity so do pop by my blog and collect it :o)

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Debio, I know what you mean. Our local TGI's is quite nice if you like that sort of thing, but it was the kids' choice, needless to say. Next time we choose!

Wakeup: We've had some great times there working our way through the cocktail list, but stone cold sober on a Sunday lunchtime, this one was grim.

Woo-hoo Belle, will be over as soon as I've put my lippy on.

Suzy said...

LOVE your description of,"inhaling food at breakneck speed as if in some sort of suicidal pie-eating contest,"

So you've been to the States huh?

Also,"wild-eyed people in low cut sequinned tops and knicker-skimming mini-skirts (and that was just the men)". Over here those restaurants are called, "Hooters" if you catch my drift....and yes the men are somewhat prettier than the woman.

Great post, very very funny.

Love

Suzy
PS
Thanks for commenting on my post- Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Swearing Mother said...

Hiya Suzy, thanks so much for visiting! Really liked your writing, going to make some time over the weekend to have a proper read.

Glad to meet you!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

There are too many crap restaurants where people don't complain. I hold my hands up as I don't bother complaining either however much I want to. "Is everything alright with your meal?" they ask, "lovely," I reply almost choking. Pathetic really isn't it!

Crystal xx

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Crystal, I agree, we're just a soft touch here in the UK. Maybe we need assertiveness training?

That would be fun.