Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Bringing Home The Bacon

I was wondering recently about what stage in life you get to before you suddenly think “Sod it, don’t care what people think of me, from now on I’m doing what I like” and start eating with your mouth open (not doing that yet), or chasing pigeons (considered that), talking to yourself loudly on public transport (done that already) or scratching yourself in intimate places (husband's been doing it for ages) etc., etc.

On holiday last week whilst at breakfast in our hotel, I noticed an ancient couple merrily chatting away to themselves at the table next to us – not to each other, you understand, just to themselves. Frankly, their simultaneous but solo conversations were a whole lot more interesting than ours because my husband was refusing to come out from behind his newspaper, in protest, as he was annoyed with me for having finally banned the iPAQ from the table (actually I hid it and then forgot where). Bored, I listened in to our neighbours for a bit, then gave the husband a nudge so he could tune in too.

Him: “She never passes me anything. All I want is the black pepper”

Her: “I wonder if the dogs would like a bit of sausage?”

Him: “All I wanted was the black pepper.”

Her: “I could wrap it up in my hanky.”

Him “You’d think a bloke could get some black pepper if he wanted it, wouldn’t you?”

Her: “Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Wrap it up in my hanky.”

Whereupon, out comes a pack of Kleenex, down goes the sausage which gets carefully wrapped up and popped in the handbag.

Him: “Still haven’t got any black pepper.”

Her: “Think I’ll take them some toast. They like toast.”

Him: “Can’t enjoy my breakfast without the black pepper.”

Toast arrives, it gets buttered and both buttered sides put together sandwich style. Out come the tissues, toast gets neatly wrapped up, down it goes into the handbag.

Him: “Next time I’m bringing my own black pepper.”

Her: “Maybe they’d like a bit of bacon. Yes, I’ll take some bacon for the dogs”

And so on. Bacon. Tissues. Handbag.

At this point, my husband catches the waiter’s eye, beckons him over and whispers something into his ear.

Me: “What did you say to the waiter?”

Him: “I asked him for something for the old couple”

Me: "Aah, you’re so sweet. That’s so nice of you. Did you ask for some black pepper for the old boy?”

Him: “No I bloody didn't. I asked for a bowl of porridge for his wife.”

He can be so mean sometimes.


me 'n mine said...

I love this - i too love listening in on others' conversations. Gives you such an insight into other lives doesn't it?
Thanks for visiting my site. Keep in touch. I'll be back soon.

me 'n mine said...

forgot to say - dartmouth is my fav place too. i love going for cappucinos alfresco and tutting round the shops and we usually arrive on the ferry. i understand the love affair totally! so much so, we going for a week in august!x

laurie said...

this is hilarious! the tears are streaming down my face. i love it.

i eavesdrop, too, all the time. and my husband hides behind the newspaper. though, truth be told, he's eavesdropping at the same time. just less obviously than me.

this was really funny. that poor guy. what was he going to put the pepper on, do you suppose?

Mike said...

Brilliant! My husband enjoys eavesdropping, I never even think of doing it, so when we go out, I sit him in eavesdropping position, and he fills me in! There's a brilliant website "overheardindublin", really , really funny. I think they have versions for other cities too.

knifepainter said...

People listening, only beaten by people watching, or maybe both.

Cracking blog, I've stuck you on my unmissable list.

Gena said...

Oh what a fabulous blog! its all so true! and I love the "facebook" post, I am so glad I am not the only mother lurking on myspace and facebook! I shall add you to my faves, and will visit often, you have brightened my day!

Jez Bell said...

What a wonderful find! Your facebook post gave me a vision of the future as my son will soon be hitting his teens.. Not sure of the correct etiquette as I'm new to blogging too -but do you mind if I link to yours (I've just worked out how to do it!)?

aminah said...

thank you for your comment on me blog dear!! This made me laugh!! It just started to rain here so I have a good excuse to escape to this dingy wee internet cafe and catch up....really enjoy reading ur blog!!

Swearing Mother said...

Hi everyone, thanks for all your comments - our internet link has been down for a few days so I've been uncharacteristically quiet!

Jez - I am impressed you've found out how to link blogs - I am still working on finding out how, must break the habit of a lifetime and start reading the instructions.....

Best wishes all.