Friday, 7 December 2007

Busy, busy, busy.

Like everyone else who is on a marathon pre-Christmas orgy of cleaning, shopping, cooking and working, I am rapidly disappearing up my own exit, so instead of maintaining a sinister silence I'm posting something that has been doing the rounds in the office. So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun......... yet another definitive list of Venus/Mars observations which I found to be quite amusing. Hope you do too.

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book or get the post.
A man will dress up for wedding and funerals.

Natural beauty:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Selective Hearing:
When a woman says: C'mon.....this place is a mess, you and I need to tidy up. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clean clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON ..... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

If Laura, Suzannne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Shit-Head and Four-Eyes.

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though the bill is only £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item if he needs it.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom - toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

And finally......

Thought For The Day:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Dont'cha just love wild generalisations? Please feel free to add anything that tickled you over the past week to my comment page, I think we all need a laugh!!


dgibbs said...

Thanks for the laugh! Those are so funny and mostly true :D

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Dgibbs: Glad you liked it! We had a good laugh in the office, and at this time of year we're hoping that laughter is the best medicine.

laurie said...

oh,wow. these made me laugh. and dammit, they are all true! (except i am more like a guy when it comes to paying the bill at a group dinner.)

Swearing Mother said...

Me too, Laurie, I can never be bothered with working out who's had what, and how much it comes to. And usually I've had to much wine to remember anyway.

Kaycie said...

Very funny. The one about me that's not true is the one about spending more money than my husband can make. I hate shopping!

Swearing Mother said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Swearing Mother said...

Hi Kaycie. My husband wishes I did hate shopping, but he is just as bad really. He goes to the shop for one thing and falls victim to all the special offers. Think they see him coming, he always buys too much of everything.

aims said...

Have copied and sent this on to the needy who need it -

Thanks for posting made me laugh - and yes it is something we all need at this time of year - hell - at any time of the year!!

aims said...

'to the needy who need it' ????

Oh well....

Swearing Mother said...

Aims, I know what you mean. We all need more fun!

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Ah yes, I know this one. It's very clever.

Stew said...

So I presume we have all seen the map that compares how men and women shop?

Self employed mum said...

I love the one about the selective hearing, what a laugh. x

Tina said...

Men give women nicknames too. I have a few male friends; my name has 4 letters. How hard can that be? Yet I go by - Tine, Tino, Tineski, Tinarooni, Tinawaynarooni & Willow.

My woem friends? They call me Tina.

Tina said...

You know I meant 'women' friends. I am a stupid speller.


I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

belle said...

oh dear, seriously deficient woman here ... I hate cats ... that makes me a social pariah, doesn't it? btw, tagged you over at mine ;o)

Swearing Mother said...

Hi James, ta for visiting. Hope all is well with you, noticed you were off the air recently for a while.

Stew, I am going over to that site ASAP, could definitely do with a giggle today!

SEM: I used to think my husband was deaf, but he can always hear me muttering about him from 100 yards away.

Tinarama, know just what you mean!

Mzungu Chick, Hi!Thanks for that, and thanks for visiting. Ha!

Belle, don't worry about not liking cats, I don't either. But why do they always like me? Just no.

Mike said...

Men can't understand women because they can't understand how someone can put hot wax on their legs, rip off the hairs by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!
Have re-surfaced after a fab 50th party; so good I think I'll make it an annual event!
Now as for Christmas...booked a day trip to Brussels to meet my friend for lunch (she lives there) and hope to get all the shopping done there before it's time to check in for home flight! And with hand baggage only!Am I over-optimistic?mimi not mike

Mid-lifer said...

Hee hee - I needed a laugh. Love the one about marriage.

Norman said...

Hey! I just LOVE cats! Our last one, Marmie lived to a ripe old age and she could read my mind like a book.
When I lived up North near Alston we had nine cats in the house.
Quantum leap...
Fridge magnet my wife put up says, "My husband needs new glasses, he doesn't see things my way." Personally I find it better not to look.....

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Mimi! Glad you had a fab 50th, now you can start being really naughty!! I agree with you re the weirdness of women, I am a typical example of that in person.

Hello Mid-Lifer, you have to laugh really, don't you?

Norman, NINE cats?? Crikey, you really do like 'em. Glad to hear your wife is a woman after my own humour.

knifepainter said...

The Cat thing, true.

Rick said...

Very good - very funny - some I've heard, many I haven't heard. I hate to shameless plug my own blog (acutally - no I don"t) but if you look at my "Family Practice" posts, you will find a very similar humor in cartoon form.

Rick said...

Very good - very funny - some I've heard - many that I haven't heard.

I hate to shamelessly plug my own blog (actually, no I don't), but you will find a similar humor in my "Family Practice" posts on my site.

Swearing Mother said...

Watcha KP, didn't have you down for a cat man somehow. More of a hound dog type bloke, I reckon.

Rick, you can shamelessly plug your blog any time matey, your cartoons are very funny! Will be over to have a real good read later.