Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail.

So I thought I'd join in with this whole cookin' shoppin' and preparin' lark, and having watched Nigella making whoopie with four cans of cling-peaches last night on TV (anyone know why they're called "cling" peaches, other than in solidarity with Ms Lawson's skin tight sweater?), I called into Waitrose on my way home from work to buy the stuff I needed. After a day flapping around like a clairvoyant turkey, I felt a little bit of festive cookery would be therapeutic, and what's more I'd downloaded the ingredients list from the internet. That's extremely organised for me, so please be impressed.

White wine vinegar, check. Two sticks of cinnamon, check. Chilli flakes, er what? Will these crushed ones do? Yes, of course they will, bung them in. Check. Four centimetre piece of fresh ginger. Check. Tinned peaches? Yes, I said peaches. Please. You know, those hairy yellow things that used to have a stone in the middle but don't any more? In a can? In syrup? C'mon, you must know what I mean. Sold out? Oh, silly me, of course they're sold out, I should have realised - it's 5.00 p.m., on the day after Nigella showed us how to make hot 'n sexy Spiced Peaches to go with our cold gammon, so why on earth did I expect Waitrose to have any sodding peaches left? Or gammon, come to that. Every aspiring domestic goddess in Britain has obviously had the same urge as me - and it's not often I can be bothered to do anything that involves chilli flakes or cinnamon, I can tell you. Let alone tinned fruit. Oh bugger.

So I set about making a right nuisance of myself until we found some, and after a bit of serious shelf rummaging, I finally managed to assemble ALL the ingredients so off home I went, triumphant. Well, I thought, that's my evening planned. A quick supper, put on the apron, a bit of lip gloss, a gin, some background music (Led Zeppelin actually, not very seasonal but absolutely fantastic nonetheless) and away with the mixer. Festive food prepared Swearing Mother style. No problem. Move over Nigella and let a real woman in.

And it was all going so smoothly until the end, when I discovered some missing but vital ingredients. Why didn't anybody remind me to get some jars to put the bloody things in?

Fuck.

36 comments:

Mike said...

"Festive food prepared Swearing Mother style". I love it!Reminds me so much of myself, and I was really impressed you assembled all the ingredients, even before i got to that sentence in your blog. Usually i just substitute something, but what to substitute for a jar? You'll have to eat the lot!
Mimi not mike

belle said...

Waitrose, eh? Well, well :o) I can only aspire to the heights of such poshness ... ;o)

CalumCarr said...

Great post. Laughed out loud.

Your final word says it all. I know the feeling - so well.

Swearing Mother said...

Mimi, I could not believe it! Now up to my shoulder bag in spiced peaches.

Belle: You are the posh bird really, I only went to Waitrose because they had a chav night :o)

Calumcarr, hello! Haven't read you for a while Calum, hope everything's going OK. Will be over asap to check up on you!

laurie said...

hilarious. and true.
but i have to say i have never heard of a store running out of canned peaches. it's just not one of those hot items.

of course, i don't think we get nigella's show here.

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Better to indulge in your last word rather than in the last word of the paragraph beginning "white wine vinegar".

Kaycie said...

I love to watch Nigella. Her show usually sends me off to find out what hubby is doing rather than to the kitchen to cook, though. She is quite naughty, that one. I do get around to trying a recipe every once in a blue moon, though. Chocolate hotpots are yummy.

Laurie, check out the Food Network. She's on weekends.

Swearing Mother said...

Hi Laurie, weird isn't it? I wouldn't normally have a can of peaches in the house but it just shows you the pulling power of a hot woman on TV. Spicey peaches equals, well I don't know what really but I fancy some!

James, you are quite correct of course, in a manner of speaking. See you've had a fiddle with the blog rolls, what is Olive? I used to be Peach but now I'm Olive, intriguing. Whatever the colour, I am happy to be listed wherever you care to put me. Just curious though.

Kaycie, she is one sexy minx that Nigella. And she doesn't care about putting on weight, either. Good for her I say.

beachfreak said...

Oh, I see now, Nigella's programme is actually designed to give us ideas for recipes.

I misunderstood.

Silly me.

The Grocer said...

That final moment sent me over, I too have shared that sudden dawning realisation that hits you like a crate of Red Bull when the only adequate verb in the english language that describes exactly how the world is at that precise moment begins in F. Satisfy yourself that in my humble experience of many last minute shoppers for most people it is Bisto.

Norman said...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear! Couldn't help but laugh. Well you can always eat straight out of the pan I s'pose.

Did you say Led Zep?? They did a re-union concert last night. Heard about it on BBC Radio4 of all places. Seems it was quite a success.

Swearing Mother said...

Beachfreak, I think you're not alone, she gives most blokes I know ideas about hot and saucy stuff, and I'm not referring to devilled sausages, either.

Hello Grocer, yes I know lots about the B word too, and have often wondered why I run out of Bisto more than anything else. Other than gin, of course.

Hiya Norman, yes I do like a bit of Led Zep it has to be said, and how I wished we'd been lucky enough to get a ticket for their reunion concert. Will be watching to see if they do more, and I will be there!

travelling, but not in love said...

I love it. It sounds exactly like what I imagine happens in thousands of households up and down the land, the day after Nigella airs.

Now, I love Nigella (with a figure like that, I'd rule the world - albeit a strange world where men have figures like Nigella) but I can't help but thinking that she makes it all look too easy.

She distracts us with her finger sucking and suggestive biscuit dipping and lures us in to her world of make believe. I mean really, who actually thinks that Nigella makes a packed lunch and eats it on the bus?!?!?!

Anyway, I love the story, it made me giggle. And well done you for paying the Waitrose premium. I thoroughly approve.

travelling, but not in love said...

p.s. Can I just say, "Rufus Wainwright sings Judy Garland" - the perfect CD for the Christmas Kitchen.

Just fabulous....

Self employed mum said...

You crack me up everytime, lipgloss and a gin, what every cooking mother needs! x

Cailleach said...

Yep. That 'F' word comes in very handy sometimes.

laurie said...

ah, the food network... we probably have that on our cable somewhere....

i am not much of a cook.

debio said...

You should have gone to Tesco, sm, I don't think Nigella is aimed at that end of the market and you could have picked up all the canned peaches in the world.....or was it the retail 'experience' you were after? I so miss Waitrose - in fact, I think I might add Waitrose to my Christmas present list.

I find Nigella really, really irritating and I can't decide why. I seem to be in a minority of one though.

Valleys Mam said...

you get great tinned peaches etc in Lidles for half the price, may be less and they are loverly.
You mean you didnt eat them all up straight away -- Nigella would have lolol

Stew said...

Valleys Mam - If you shop in Lidl (as I do) you can call it "Lydale" to make it sound posh.

Swearing Mother - My pantry is the opposite, I've got gazillions of jars - wire-lidded rubber seal types and screw down tin types and I need to get chutney/jam/pickle making again.

Stew

Swearing Mother said...
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Swearing Mother said...

Travelling! Hello boy. That Rufus geezer sure has your attention, and singing Judy Garland? Just about perfect I'd say.

I agree with you about Nigella's suggestive food tasting, thank goodness she's never made chocolate eclairs or we'd all be in trouble!

Hi SEM: Lipgloss and gin, my perfect ingredients for most situations!

Hello Cailleach: Sometimes the F word is just the only one that will do, don't you think?

Laurie, I wouldn't look if I were you, it'll only make you want to give Nigella a good hard slap.


Hi Debio, you are quite right of course but Waitrose is so close to my house I tend to use it like my pantry - the only difference is I've now got peaches in mine, and they haven't!

Valleys Mam: I know, I ought to shop elsewhere but with Waitrose within walking distance I usually end up there, and I'd have to drive miles to get to a Lidl or a Tesco. That's my excuse anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

Stew: I just knew you'd be the sort of bloke who'd have hundreds of the proper jars about his person! I bet you've been jugging hares like fury for the past few weeks (and please DO NOT show photos).

Cailleach said...

Yes SM, I have been known to compress volumes of tone, diction, and other poetic terms into a well-timed f. Nothing like the expressiveness of it!

I did enjoy this post, it made me laugh out loud!

Claire said...

Put them in your pocket, no need for jars then.

Swearing Mother said...

Claire, you are a genius, why didn't I think of that?

Tina said...

I'll have some off you. You can put them in my hand. They'll be quite safe.

Priceless, SM.

Computer now mended about to blog. Some news...

softinthehead said...

Great - I loved this and your last post - really made me laugh, I will definitely keep popping in. So did you just think - sod it and eat them all?

Debra in France said...

This was just brilliant - I laughed out loud! How many times have I not read the recipe properly and got to the end and found something vital is missing?! My mum gave me a recipe for her Tiramisu which I love. Unfortunately I mis-read the egg bit and instead of separating them and adding the yolk then folding in the beaten whites I chucked them in whole. Of course it wouldn't set at all and we re-named it tiramisoup as we have to eat it like soup. Still tasted nice though.

Swearing Mother said...

Great news Tina, I am so proud of you! Very well done. And what else have you got to tell me then? Hmmm.......it ain't over till it's over, girl!
x

Hello Softinthehead, thanks for dropping by. Haven't quite eaten all the peaches yet, but let's say it'll be a long time before I do any more. Bought some preserve jars though, but think I went about all of this in the wrong order somehow.

DebrainFrance, Hi! You made me feel so much better with your comment. It reminded me of the time I made a chocolate cheesecake and froze it immediately rather than letting it set first, then a few hours prior to my dinner party took it out of the tin to thaw in the fridge, at which point the still unset topping slid into the vegetable drawer of the fridge. Scooped the whole lot up and put it into glasses, which looked posh but tasted faintly of onions and celery. Such is life.

Henry North London said...

Cling peaches

They cling to the stone

They are the ones where you cant get them off the stone...when you cut them into quarters when they are fresh...

Nigella is great but I could beat the bitch hands down in a cook off

Swearing Mother said...

Hello Henry! I always wonder how good a cook Nigella really is, I hardly ever do any of her other recipes because of the cream/butter content (unlike Nigella, I worry about getting FAT).

A cook-off with Nigella, eh? Would that rate as adult entertainment?

Henry North London said...

Might with me I can do lascivious looks just as well as herself

Valleys Mam said...

Stew just back from Lydale and Marcus Spencerius lolol
Swearing mother - I enjoyed peaches and cream sunday - yummmmm

dgibbs said...

I'll have to look this lady up and see if I can't find some recipes, we don't get her over here.

Led Zep is a favorite of mine and I hear they do plan to do more. I really hope they find their way to the US if they do.

Swearing Mother said...

Valleys Mam, you're teasing me now! :o)

DGibbs, glad to hear you're a Led Zeppelin fan too, giving it a whole lotta love!

Swearing Mother said...
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